I think that something I struggle with in my life is identity. I also have a bad habit of saying "I think" too much, probably because I am always thinking. My incessant need to think makes me question many components of my life, and sometimes I find that many of these thoughts and questions can be detrimental to my well being. I always find myself thinking about my identity, how I construe my identity in this modern day society, and how society has an effect on my identity. I identify as a half Korean half white male, as a Psychology and Studio Art major at the University of Colorado Boulder, as a young man who is attracted to the same sex, as a younger brother, as a son, as a friend to many, and as a youth in a confused generation.
One definitive characteristic of my identity that I struggle with the most is that I am gay. What makes this so difficult for me is the fact that I am not out to my parents. I am out to all my friends and to whoever asks, since it is something that I am not ashamed of, and nor should any one else be. I recently came out to my sister and it was a very invigorating experience, especially because she was extremely supportive. I never expected she would be so supportive, because she seems very similar to my parents; that is, she is very conservative, religious, and old fashioned. I have grown up with my parents always condemning homosexuality, especially my mother with whom I am quite close. I love my mother so much, but I cannot fathom ever telling her the truth about who I am.
I struggle so much with this because I do not want to hurt her. I know that I shouldn't let this hold me back from being who I am, but I cannot help but hide this from her. I am so scared of what could happen if I did tell her, especially now since she supports me financially. I know that she would not approve of my choice because she has never shown any signs of respect or has cared for people who identify as homosexual. Maybe I could be the person to show her and enlighten her to the idea that not all gay men lead an unhealthy hedonistic lifestyle that is portrayed by the media, and that not all gay men are feminine, weak, or not beneficial to society. But I just cannot make myself do it.
My very religious mother grew up in Post-war Seoul, South Korea. She developed a very strong stubborn attitude and way of life rendering her very rigid in her way of thinking. It is very frustrating, but I love her so much that I am not angry with her for being so conservative. I also understand that she has not been exposed to homosexuals that much in her life. I realize that her knowledge of gay life comes from television and mainstream news. My parents do not perceive gay rights to be a priority. My sister worries about me because she thinks that I will never truly be happy if I do not reveal my sexual identity to my parents, but she understands my struggle. I wonder if she knows the fear and frustration I truly feel, since she has not had to worry about hiding any part of her identity from our parents.
The reason why I think that I am a youth in a confused generation is that I am constantly questioning what it means to be a gay male today in contemporary culture? What does it even mean to be a "man," and does it really matter? No, it does not matter when it comes down to personal success and growth, but it seems that there is so much pressure on males to fulfill a stereotype of manliness. I am not the type of person to go around hating macho males, and I am not the type of person to preach against patriarchal dominance of any kind. However, I find it annoying that people are so whipped into believing and fulfilling the macho stereotype. My parents’ identification with the macho stereotype is the reason I hide my identity., They are very inclined to believe and support the idea that all men should be manly. I am a firm believer that we should all be able to be who we want to be, love who we want to love, and strive to achieve any goal or aspiration that we desire. But my beliefs contradict those of my parents many others in this culture. If our culture continues to constantly promote this macho identity, then there is more incentive for gay people to hide their true identities, or try harder to mold themselves to a socially constructed norm.
I have never shared my sexuality like this, since it is still somewhat of a taboo topic, which it need not be. I am mostly happy with my choices and life, and feel comfortable with people assuming I am gay. But sometimes I wish that I could be myself without having to worry about what my parents would think about my sexual identity. Or maybe I am just thinking too hard and too much about a topic that is changing for the better now, which means less stress for me. Struggling with exposing my sexual identity to my family and noticing how our culture constructs identity for males and females are concerns that have been on my mind for some time. I hope that others will be able to feel comfortable enough to express their sexual identity without shame, especially to their families.
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